In the year of our lord nineteen hundred and eighty one I was born to a kind and loving couple currently in the employ of the United States government. I was born in Berlin during the cold war and so was quickly indoctrinated in the US govt's survivalist program. I learned to eat raw bootlace and boiled rocks. Oh, it's true that the PX was nearby, and we often purchased oreos and the like, but those were reserved for when the bomb dropped. We knew that in a post-nuclear disaster our chocolaty confectionaries would fetch a high sum and allow us to purchase guns, whores, booze, and any other retro post-apocolyptic neccesities. It wasn't all bad though. On days when people tried to cross the wall and incidently stepped on land mines, launching them into the air and then into my back yard, we were fortunate enough to eat real meat. After all, the poor sod wouldn't keep forever unless heavily salted, and salt is bad for your cholesterol, so we just boiled him up and served him with fava beans and a nice glass of petro chemicals. Ah, those were the days. Years later I returned to the US and, at the tender age of fifteen, began to discover girls. My puberty you see had a late onset, as it was believed that the growth caused by entering such a stage of development was a waste of perfectly good hormones that could be better used brewing chemical weapons. Now that I was safe, back in the good old US of A, I could safely enter that special period in a young mans life when he discovers his true potential... the potential of his wang. Oh what wild wild days those were, as I careened in my father's volvo station wagon up and down mainstreet with the girls that I loved in my passanger seat. They were all there, every one of the Sears catalogue underwear models. Thankgod for the Christmas special! After some time I was accepted into James Madsion University. For some reason they were the only university interested in me. Maybe it was my 1570 SAT score, maybe it was my graduating with honors and a special degree to remark my advanced placement with distintion graduation, but William and Mary wouldn't touch me. That's why I started majoring in psychology. I knew that if I studied it long enough my war time experiences would allow me to cultivate all of my hate and rejection by members of the ooposite sex into fearsome mental powers. At JMU I would cultivate my mind until I could pop the heads of passersby as if it weren't no thang. Driving down the road, someone cuts me off, POP, oh, four car pile up, so sad. Oh yes, W&M, I'm coming for you. You and... whatever the fuck mascot you've got. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Helpin the man keep da poh crazy kids down.

Bitch slappin da loonies.